Meditation #11

Defining Freedom

I decided to not do my meditation in the morning because I went to bed about 3AM and I just knew I needed some rest. Between my son’s alarm in the common space blaring off and speaking “it’s 6 AM — it’s school” and all that its very good alarm then mine was going off right near my bed, so, I was awake for sure. Yeah, well it was kind of a somber morning. The previous evening a wave of emotions came through and I just let the tears flow. Like all the silence I had within me was welling up …there was so much commotion stirring and with great trial and error I figured out the secret. Hugs. I mean I hug my youngest son all the time and sometimes my daughter and I hug while my oldest son when it happens. I have learned about this 4, 8, 12 hugs and you can look it up — its wonderful especially when you implement it within your family or yourself. There is other methods besides hugging yourself …yet if you research it you will find that out. So, anyway we sat on the couch and she leaned into me and I held her and she held me. I smoothed her hair and her arm and it was all calming down, yes. . . ! So, after that I suggested she finish coloring her penguin coloring page and then everyone eventually made it to bed. A series of things were happening here and there not all at once. I was really impressed my older son showed me his H.S. Essay to submit for an application to his chosen school. I really liked what he wrote especially about building meaningful relationships with people in the community and such and I learned he changed his major so to speak. He is exploring what peaks his interest and all and I am cool with that — so after he showed me the essay he ended up finishing the entire application as well! So cool! Plus, earlier in the day I had discovered some censorship had peaked …and I just dealt with it but I think it creeped in later on in the evening. I understand being blunt is bold and not everyone is going to accept it based on their guidelines. So, I was trying to figure out another way to be more discreet yet submit it towards their guidelines. I must touch base on this before I get into the meditation piece because I want to and I think it would give you a better understanding. In one of my college courses there was some people on broadcast that got banned or let go due to something that was said on AIR therefore freedom of speech was infringed , you know how it is…controversies and opposing views. So, anyhow and don’t think I was gonna be completely outraged by what I have been writing, saying on my videos at home and posting on substack and YouTube. I’m kinda in-between I wanted to stay stead-fast with my rights with the 1st Amendment freedom of speech and freedom of press. I did for about half a day . . .and I thought to myself its not like I got completely banned, right, No, and my other content is up and running. Therefore, I just needed to be creative with my writing to include it another way. My solution was to have the readers decipher the code of the alphabet. Yes, so do your homework on 2 10’ 19. Still honored and not Excluded or censored. Either way before I got to that conclusion a wave of emotions with memories were surfacing and it was like Oh, ugh…and such, so after I have given hugs to my child earlier and I was left to handle all of myself on my own as usual. I think a person or myself has gotten use to that part yet I think of all of the other females who are just stuffing those feelings and just keep going each day. Plus, all the other oppression that had occurred within my lifetime so it compounded of remembering of all the abuse I was served in that marriage. Plus, I know me taking what I wrote originally and changing it to fit their guidelines was me being on the tightrope of well you can stand your ground or you can make an adjustment by not excluding it yet be able to get on board with my professional writing career. These are risks a person like me has taken and these times around I’m not getting beaten because someone didn’t like that I spoke or for what I said. So, to calm myself down I had to just cry it out which is good for me ….yet it still felt like when we cover something up because it is seen to forward or whatever then females all around are being oppressed still. I made the adjustment because these were specific guidelines yet anywhere else its like people just rather skip over it and leaves us in limbo land. Well, anyway if you ever were in a position where you were not a two-way street within your partnership, relationship or marriage then as a female you may understand. Meaning if you man listened to you and you all had choices and were on the same page — I am happy for you. You can read my previous content because I have said it and typed it out a lot now, so, you can get your eyes reading to catch up.